English Jokes

[s@ba]

Boy: I am not rich like rohit, I don't even have a bid car like rohit. But I really love you!
Girl: I love you too, but tell me more about rohit..

پسر : من به اندازه روهیت ثروتمند نیستم من ماشینی شبیه ماشین روهیت ندارم.
اما من واقعا عاشقت هستم!!!
دختر : من هم عاشقت هستم ، اما بیشتر درباره روهیت بگو!!!

If I was an artist,
you would be my picture!
If I was a poet,
you would be my inspiration!
If I was an author you would be my story!
But I'm only a cartoonist!

اگه من یه هنرمند بودم....
تو تصویر من بودی...
اگه یه شاعر بودم...
تو الهام دهنده من بودی.
اگه من یه نویسنده بودم تو داستان من بودی!!
.
.
(متاسفم) من فقط یه نقاش شخصیت های کارتونی هستم!!!

Do u know similarity between Dinosaurs and Decent Girls?
Both don't exist.

میدونی شباهت دایناسور و دختر نجیب چیه ؟
نسل هردوشون منقرض شده!!!

[s@ba]

I was stuck in ELEVATOR for 3 hrs
Due to electric failure
Mr.Bean:
Ya me too
I was stuck on ESCALATOR for 5 hrs

از زمانی که برق رفت من تو آسانسور 3 ساعت گیرکردم.
.
.
مستربین:
من هم همین طور!!
من 5 ساعت رو پله برقی گیرکردم.

husband & Wife )
husband: Will U marry , after I die.
Wife : No I will live with my sister.
Wife : Will U marry , after I die.
husband: No I will also live with your sister

( زن و شوهر )شوهر : بعد از این که من بمیرم آیا ازدواج می کنی؟
زن : نه من با خواهرم زندگی می کنم...
زن : بعد از مرگ من تو ازدواج خواهی کرد؟
شوهر : نه من هم با خواهرت زندگی می کنم.

An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
How is that you can fly so fast?
The Rocket replies you will know the pain
when they put fire at your back!

سوال هواپیما از موشک :
یه هواپیما از یه موشک می پرسه که :
چطوری می تونی این قدر سریع پرواز کنی؟
موشک جواب میده : اگه تو کو... آتیش میزاشتن میدونستی که چقدر درد داره....

[matrix]

رابطه سیاستمداران و پوشک بچه

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly…and for the same reason.


diapers:
a piece of soft cloth or soft paper that is put between a baby's legs and fastened around its waist to hold liquid and solid waste.

پوشک،کهنه بچه

ٍExample:
- we need to change the baby's diaper.

باید پوشک بچه را عوض کنیم

- a disposable diaper

پوشک یکبار مصرف

common:

مشترک

regularly:

به طور مرتب

[matrix]

Late one night in Washington, D. C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs. “Give me your money!” he demanded. The man stiffened, but said indignantly, “You can’t do this to me—I’m a U. S. Congressman!” “In that case,” replied the robber, “give me my money!”

- mugger:
someone who attacks people in a public place and robs them.

کسی که به منظور سرقت دیگران را می زند

- well-dressed:
wearing attractive fashionable clothes.

خوش تیپ

ٍExample:
- A well dresed man.

یک مرد خوش تیپ

- rib:
one of the 12 pairs of curved bones that surround your chest.

قفسه سینه

Example:
- He was punched and kicked in the ribs.

مشت و لگد تو سینش خورده بود

demand:
to ask for something very firmly, especially because you think you have a right to do this.

خواستن، طلبیدن

Example:
- he demanded his money.

او پول خود را مطالبه می کرد

stiffened:
to make or become firm

جمع و جور شدن، سفت شدن

indignantly:
angry and surprised because you feel insulted or unfairly treated

خشمگین-به ویژه در اثر توهین یا بی اعتنایی

Example:
- Liz was indignant at the way her child had been treated.

لیز از رفتار بچه هاش خیلی عصبان بود

[matrix]

"Pastor, is it right for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" asked a parishioner. "Definitely not," answered his preacher. "Are you absolutely certain?" asked the man. "Yes, my son. Absolutely certain," said the pastor. "Okay. In that case, would you mind returning the money I gave you after my wedding last year


Vocabulary
Pastor: a minister in charge of a Christian church
کشیش

Profit:the advantage that you get from doing sth
سود،منفعت

Example

the company made a healthy profit of $106m last year

Parishioner:a person living in an area who goes to church regularly


Preacher: a Christian who gives a religious at a church

Wedding: marriage ceremony and the party usually followa it

Example
she looked beautiful in her weddingday


Special note
Would you mind... =do you want

this is a polite form of request
the verb after mind is always in�ING form

Example
would you mind buying a newspaper for me

[matrix]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. After sharing a good meal they went into their tent, laid down, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awakened his faithful friend. “Watson, look up there in the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “And what does that tell you, Watson?” Watson pondered. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, I see that God is all powerful and that we merely insignificant specks in His grand plan. Meteorologically, I predict we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” Watson asked Holmes, “What does it tell you?” Holmes replied, “Watson, you idiot. It tells me some bastard stole our tent!“


- tent: چادر

- awaken V) to wake up or to make someone wake up

EXAMPLE:

- She was awakened by a noise at two in the morning.

- faithful Adj) وفادار، با وفا

EXAMPLE:

- Hollis was a good and faithful friend .

- astronomically: از لحاظ ستاره شناسی

- galaxy: کهکشان
one of the large groups of stars that make up the universe

- Horologically: از نظر وقت و زمان

- deduce: نتیجه گیری کردن، برداشت کردن

EXAMPLE:

- From her son's age, I deduced that her husband must be at least 60.

- approximately:تقریباً

- insignificant:ناچیز

- Meteorologically: از نظر هواشناسی

- predict: پیش بینی
to say that something will happen, before it happens

- Sales were five percent lower than predicted.
فروش 5 درصد از پیش بینی ها کمتر بود

- idiot: احمق، ابله

EXAMPLE:
- who was the idiot who left the door open?

[matrix]

Why don't you do that?
One evening, a wife drew her husband's attention to the cute
young couple next door.

"Look at that. See how devoted they are?
He kisses her all the time. Why don't you do that?"

"I'd love to," replied her husband, "but I don't know her quite well enough yet."

One evening:یک شب
[uncountable and countable]
the early part of the night between the end of the day and the time you go to bed

Examples;
- I do most of my studying in the evening.
- I'm usually out on Friday evenings .
- What are you doing tomorrow evening ? Peter left yesterday evening .
- I'll see you this evening .
- It was early evening by the time we got home.
- We had just finished our evening meal when the doorbell rang.


draw (somebody's) attention to:
to make someone notice something

توجه کسی را به چیزی جلب کردن

Examples;
- I have been asked to draw your attention to the following points.
- A dark house can draw attention to the fact that the house is empty.


devoted:
giving someone or something a lot of love and attention

علاقمند، عاشق

Examples;
- a devoted father
- Isabella was devoted to her brother.

quite:

خیلی، کاملا، به درستی، خیلی زیاد

fairly or very, but not extremely

ￚsee also pretty
Examples;
- The food in the canteen is usually quite good.
- He seems quite upset about it all.I'm quite willing to help.
- Amy's at university now and doing quite well .
- I got a letter from Sylvia quite recently.

[matrix]

eye exam
A man went for an eye exam. "Doctor, will I be able to read after I get glasses?" "Yes, of course," said the doctor. "Oh, that'd be great," said the patient, "'cause I've been illiterate my whole life!"


eye exam: معاینه چشم

get glasses: عینک زدن

great:عالی

EXCELLENT, very good

especially spoken

ￚsynonym wonderful, fantastic
Examples:
- The weather here is great.
- It's great to be home.
- a great day out for all the family.


patient: someone who is receiving medical treatment from a doctor or in a hospital
بیمار

cause: because: چونکه، چون

illiterate: someone who is illiterate has not learned to read or write : بی سواد

whole life: کل زندگی

[matrix]

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.

Maria: This is it.

Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?

Class: Maria did.

[matrix]

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.

"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."

The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.

"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."