English Jokes

[raha78]

Honeymoon
A couple was having a discussion about what to see and do now that they were safely in Florida on their honeymoon.

Trying to assert himself rite off the bat, he exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, we wouldn’t be here at all!”

The wife replied, “My dear, if it weren’t for your money, not only would we not be in Florida, we wouldn’t on a honeymoon, nor would there be any “we” in the first place.”

[raha78]

Wrong Number
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"

"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

[raha78]

Before it Starts
A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'

She gives him his beer.

About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'

She does.

A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.

The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.'

The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'

[raha78]

Change in Finances

A woman proudly told her friend, “I’m responsible for making my husband a millionaire.”

“Well what was he before he married you?” the friend asked.

“A billionaire.”

[raha78]

Blind Pilot
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots’ uniforms–both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin–but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna die. . .”

[raha78]

$50 a Second

A woman was just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rang. She threw on her towel and went to the door.

Dave, a poker buddy of her husband’s was there. He looked at her in her towel for a minute and whispered “I’ll give you $500 right now if you take of your towel for just 10 seconds! That’s $50 a second!”

She thought about it a second, and then took off her towel. He smiled, gave her the money and walked away.

When she walked back into the bedroom, her husband asked “Was that Dave? Did he bring the $500 he owed me?”

[raha78]

Entertaining Idiots

I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous sentence.” It didn’t sell very well.

I thought with the short attention span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The 2nd edition went: “To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence.”

It’s doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is going to go: “Re-read this line.”

Trouble is, I’m not as sharp as I used to be, so it’s become my favorite book to curl up with on a rainy day. It absorbs me for hours.

Dumb Sky Diver

An idiot was taking sky-diving lessons. The instructor explained that it was time for his first jump, and all he had to do was jump from the plane, count to six, and pull the rip cord. A truck would be waiting for him in the field where he would land.

The man jumped from the plane when he was told to, and counted to six. When he pulled the rip cord, the parachute wouldn’t open. He tried the reserve chute and that didn’t open.

Frustrated, he muttered to himself as he fell, “I’ll bet the truck won’t be waiting for me either.”

[نارون1]

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.

Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.

[سوخته سرایی]

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